Letting go and giving in

Earlier today I allowed myself to spend a little while going through some of the correspondences I have had with a girlfriend of mine during our time together. And let’s just leave it at that. No reason to get personal. Now, spending time thinking about your ex is just about the stupidest thing you can do, but in my here case it proved somewhat useful.

Useful, first of all, because I am done wallowing over the whole ordeal. Things are what they, are and sooner or later you have to let go. Some are lucky enough to find their true love while working hard enough to keep things together – until death do them part. Others are not. Most of us should be lucky to get something in between.

So, today I’ve been in a particular reflective and sentimental, kind of uplifted mood. I’ve had a beer, but sometimes that is what it takes. So I felt the urge to look a bit into how things went by, because, honestly, it’s all a bit blurry to me now. I remember the good times and the bad times, and the times in between, but at the end of it you are usually left with a diluted impression once things are over.

I don’t think either part in a split, that being between friends or between lovers, truly see the course of what happened as it actually did. Self-delusion, after all, is what humanity does best. And amen to that! Or something of the sorts.

So as painful as it was to do, I went through a whole lot of our messages. I’m thankful to have them, actually. Nothing speaks the truth like written words. They are right there on the paper, after all.

As is it, however, the words that once upon a time came from my head and went down on the paper, well they aren’t want I’d wanted them to be. I like to think of myself as an eloquent fellow, but in this story I surely wasn’t. Heck, I should be glad if I was anywhere near to being understandable.

So as I was saying, I’ve been looking through notes and messages concerning this one girl. A lot of the earlier messages have put a grin on my face and a happy feeling is rushing through my veins as I am writing this. Maybe it’s a combination of the beer and the music as well.

It‘s a cool yet somehow tragic experience to see how much she really cared. In the beginning that is. I wouldn’t venture as far as to say that she was in love; because I probably made it hard for her to even reach that stage from the get go, but care she did. Anyhow, whether or not there is a bit of wishful thinking on my part, this is how I’ll remember this little tale many years from now, when I’m old and gray, god forbid it, stuck somewhere in a home.

Things, however, changed, slowly but steadily. She asked me a lot of personal questions. A lot of them are taken out of context because we communicated across different platforms. But I can see that many of the answers I gave were vague.

She was always positive and caring. I was negative, and cold and worst of all, I gave idiotic and diminutive answers that weren’t worthy of a proper dialogue. At some point she even asked me about where I saw this going and if we had a future together. It is painful to look back at the unfulfilling replies I made.

I will never know what thoughts were behind her half of our conversations but I shall continue to imagine that what I read of it now is what she wanted to communicate. There’s a great satisfaction in being able to understand; even when it is too late to matter. Though it does matter. In the general sense of it.

I know now that I slowly killed whatever feelings she had for me. I did not go into that relationship with the goal of staying with her in the long run, and that is the truth. Once she grew on me and I declared my everlasting faithfulness, my problems had been hanging like a big shadow over our relationship for a while. A change of heart as the one I had, is bound to be seen as insincere and untrustworthy.

If you do not give what you get, you end up finding yourself getting what you gave; which may not have been very much at all.

You may quote me on that one!

Some people I know are like that to a rather further extent than I am; which is not to say that I feel better than them or anything, although, actually, it would be a lie to say that I don’t, so yeah I do. Now that I’m being all honest here. But it’s a matter of having the right reasons for being rightful: integrity, honor, and love. In this wicked world of ours you are judged by your actions, and nothing else.

Luckily, though, I have been blessed with very giving women in my life, even at this state of delusion and self-hatred that I’ve been in. Thanks people. You are great.

To cut myself off, I guess my point is (and there is always a point) that if one want love one needs to be willing to love. Not lust…or need, but love. L.O.V.E. There is no shortcut to happiness. In my time I have witnessed far too many people trying to take the shortcut. They do not care about morals or dignity; they don’t care about the things that really matter. And I’ve taken the shortcut. I’ve lost my dignity. I’ve forgotten the things that really matter.

But you live and you learn. And there’s another day. Two, actually. One for letting go; one for giving in. Letting go i did. Giving in, not yet.

As they said:

You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes you might find you get what you need.

Peace and love

The Gonzo Anthropologist

Advertisement